10 Awkwardly Funny Sex and Romance Quotes from the Bible

1

"Your hair is like a flock of goats" - Song of Songs 4:1

Best pick-up line ever?

2

"Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, 'I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.'" - Song of Songs 7:7-8

Bow chica wah wah...

3

 

"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." - Ezekiel 23:19-20

Those Egyptians must get a lot of play.


4
 

 

"Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother." - Genesis 38:9

I think he forgot that this method isn't 100% reliable, especially when the all-powerful God is overseeing your actions. What, did you think he wouldn't notice?

5
 

"Your waist is a mound of wheat" - Song of Songs 7:2

Does this mound make me look fat?

6

"I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment." - Song of Songs 8:10

Someone thinks rather highly of herself!

7

"She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust on her." - Ezekiel 23:8

Those Egyptians are at it again! That place must be one big red light district by now!

8

"Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies." - Song of Songs 4:5

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!


9

"Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is missing." - Song of Songs 6:6

I guess that's a compliment... at least he noticed that you still have all of your teeth.


10

"You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them." - Ezekiel 16:17

That awkward moment when your mom walks in on you having sex with her jewelry...

source: chacha

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